HOW TO FAIL SUCCESFULLY WITH A PRESENTATION

1. The first impression made by a lecturer on an audience is of a crucial importance! It also begins with a report. In fact, before the first phrase is said, you should step onstage. We shall begin with the clothes. Well, you have to put on a business suit, to informally dressed youth. Still funny you will look in a suit-three, at a tie, spending presentation of a tourist bicycle: especially if during presentation to you have to sit down on this bicycle! Before businessmen it is better to leave in shorts and a vest. Properly picked up clothes will help with all these cases as a lecturer, and its audiences. Listeners, naturally, have unpleasant feeling of discrepancy, and it is possible to consider presentation lost: the report nobody hears, everyone battle to a mosquito itching at a level of subconsciousness. And that it is even better, so it that the subconscious mosquito irritating listeners, translates an aversion for the lecturer for presentation. Also it is possible though to try hitting a forehead of a wall though to dance on a stage – audiences already all the same. It was assured that offered does not approach it. Vigorously.

2. A lecturer assured of own competence, simply spits on all preparation, speaking: “Yes nonsense what! It is my work, I am every day engaged in it”. Also leaves to public – "as is".

3. Always it is necessary to be assured, that your audience is less competent, than you. Believe, if you spend presentation of diapers before a kindergarten, these kids are is much worse familiar with a problem of wet diapers, than you. Therefore it is not necessary to respect with an audience, and it will answer you with the same. Forget the recommendation of the Bible to concern to another how you would wish that concerned to you.

4. Before performance do not take in head to thank organizers of conference that have invited you. Eventually, you have made it a favor, having agreed to act. It is possible to note simply, that not looking on your extreme employment more important issues, you all have accepted the invitation to participate in this doubtful action.

5. It is necessary to enter safely in presentation as enter into ice water. In each listener to see the personal enemy who needs to be won. The report is better to read on a piece of paper that refers to – in style of a pig, having buried by face in a feeding trough. At best – in style of the hen, that is – a sight in the text, a sight in a hall, accordingly pulling a head. The nightingale who should charm listeners by iridescent trills, does not exist and in a mine.

6. It is not necessary to think of "warming up" of an audience, and it is necessary to blurt out at once central idea, to state all the most important. The introduction can and be neglected at all. At once take the bull for horns or drag a cat for eggs!
Let the unprepared audience squeals and is pulled out, and let does not think, that it all over again will pat on the back.

7. The same concerns and to the conclusion. The monotonous phrase stated by a tired voice to death, accompanied by the eyes rolled up by an agonal flour: “Thanks for attention, that is all”, – will be worthy completion with advantage the filled up presentation.

8. Never it is necessary to support visual contact to an audience. Look anywhere: in the text of the report, on slides, on assistants, but only not on an audience! Let public will feel deceived and thrown, in accuracy as the woman whom the man has invited in restaurant, and all the evening long has lead behind a little table with other lady, moreover and danced with it. And the woman deeply to spit, that this lady is not subject matter of tender feelings, and the business partner, the chief, the sister, finally. It knows one – it has thrown!

9. Use unduly elaborate words that will give to your performance scientific-like. More and will show your erudition. The audience perceives such words doubly: on the one hand, it seems display of disrespect, and with another – incompetence, hidden for a heap of strange words. Remember, that the present physicist at all, the one who can explain the general theory of a relativity of Einstein to the student, and the one who understands it. Therefore, preparing for the performance, clean in advance all words which will seem to you natural. Speak pseudoscientifically and it is elaborate, instead of how in a usual life – this oratorical style is most preferential to imperception.

10. Reading the report, it is frequent to whisper it monotonously, it is not necessary to do any contrasts in speech. Then the audience will safely fall asleep and will not specify unnecessary questions.

11. It is even better, if at you any defect of vocal chords. Especially when your voice is constantly broken from a deep bass on a shrill treble. But here that is curious: you would not state what bosh, to you listen closely. And all because your defect of speech serves as an additional contrast irritator, attracting the attention. Certainly, nobody speaks, that it is necessary to get similar defect. But, at least, strong-willed effort and training it can be simulated.

12. It is desirable to duplicate constantly the information shown on slides, i.e. to be a voice accompanying film for deaf-and-dumb or blind. You accept as it, that your audience is not able to read, and consequently do not limit the information to slides, or let know, that the audience badly sees, and you help it the report.
Besides at an audience to appear additional employment: to watch, whether properly you read the text on slides and there will be no time to distract on understanding of a content of the report. Slides do not need to be applied to underlining idea, for its illustration, for the message of the additional information, but only as duplication of the report.

13. For complication of listeners, very much helps constant перескакивание from one slide on another, back and the long search of the necessary slide accompanied by a phrase – “As we earlier already spoke return... Where this slide has got to?”

14. Set at nought gesticulation and movements on a stage. It is better to fall asleep before a microphone, having stooped and moved down your shoulders as though you do the report at party congress, was absorbed in papers, and any forces from these papers to not come off. And if and to come off to brush on an audience a sight and to start to click the handle, to kick durable a boot, and eyes at this time to rest against the most distant and dark angle of facility as if the best client there has settled down.

15. Hands should be pushed in pockets and to compress there them in fists or in a figure and for what to not show an audience the open palms since it is universal gesture of the world since the most ancient times, designating an openness and a call to confidence. We already too far send away from monkeys that our subconsciousness responded to similar gestures.

16. It is very useful to tighten performance longer. All is already told, the audience is torn or to look more close at the offered goods, or to leave and think of subject matter of presentation on freedom, or easier to go to have a bite, and all of you speak and speak. As a result everything reached in presentation, is dissolved by a smoke, carried away by a wind, and listeners still have only irritation and desire that you have as soon as possible stopped. Lead up the audience to such condition! It is better to tell too much, than to hold back something. It is better to tighten performance until when listeners will start to disperse who where, than to finish earlier, than it was planned.

17. In the end of the report finally to spoil impression, it is necessary to apologize necessarily in the end for a poor pronunciation or for bad English.

18. Having ended reading your notes, it is necessary to lead round an audience a melancholy sight and to mumble, hardly moving with language – “We shall pass to questions …”. People at us usually sympathizing, poor and do not finish tracing-papers, therefore questions can and to not be. But happens, that in a hall there is a refined sadist – usually it is the representative of a contestant firm, it both is dressed accordingly, and has had time to communicate already to an audience, to distribute the visit cards and advertizing leaflets. It also starts to ask tricky questions, sarcastically thus smiling. And you cannot answer!
Between your ears one idea fights: “My God! Yes that such? Yes I know it! Knew … here five minutes ago knew … And in the report of it is not present. Anything to charge it is impossible!”. And how, it is asked, you can answer the questions concerning the report, which was written not by you, and your subordinate or the student?

19. Finally, somehow ending with questions, you, trying to represent a hospitable smile, informs on a buffet table. Usually it is the most desirable part of action. The most important on a buffet table – to pour it is more, to feed better, and all rest will develop by itself. But for some reason does not develop. Invited prefer to communicate among themselves, actively drink and not bad eat, and on leading questions of employees of the firm which are spending presentation, answer with evasive sights. And if them directly ask: “Will you buy our production?” - starting to get eyes upwards as a fish, and to speak that they need to consult to a management, to discuss questions with experts, and in general – whether it is impossible to submit that plateau with sandwiches, speak, caviar is very useful to health. When the buffet table comes to an end, and invited creep away on houses, all lightly sigh: “Well, glory Those, My God! Have passed …”.

20. No, have not passed. Have got stuck in the middle of road. The chief assorts immemorial Russian questions with employees: “What to do?” And “Who is guilty?” Everything, that listeners from presentation have born, it that the Russian vodka where as is better import. Well still, if after such presentation will speak that the buffet table was quite good. But can also such pleasure does not happen. Somebody will get a stone in a fish fillet, and write was gone.

21. Believe also in the simple fact: the presentation begins not in that instant when the lecturer leaves to an audience and when only there was an idea on its carrying out. In the same way, as the child appears not in an instant of sorts, and in an instant of conception. You do not subcontract conception of own child to anybody, let even to the best expert. Can consult with doctors, with friends, finally, but will not ask in any way the doctor-gynecologist or the friend: “Instead of you could … understand, I have absolutely there is no time!” I do not know why, but on conception time is always, and here on preparation of presentation – is very rare.

22. Certainly, there is still a set of harmful advice how to fill up presentation. In fact the one who nothing does is not mistaken only. So be not upset, if also you yet have not made a mistake. Anything terrible. Make next time. But it will help you to draw conclusions, to learn, where is a mine field, and will allow you to become the ideal sapper laying a safe line among possible barrier.